


Am i a monster?

by CaptainLokii



Series: Letters to Thomas [1]
Category: Black Sails
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, Letters to, M/M, canonical suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2015-07-21
Packaged: 2018-04-10 12:40:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4392176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainLokii/pseuds/CaptainLokii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When being Captain James Flint gets all to much to bare, James McGraw writes letters to Thomas Hamilton to try and cope.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Am i a monster?

Am I a monster Thomas? Am I really something so foul? 

I know you told me so many times not to be ashamed of what I am but if there is no shame to it then why were we treated like something so filthy? That a father would rather see his son die under the pretense that he went mad than accept him for who he truly was. 

I tried to get there in time before they sent you away I promise that I did but Miranda was there waiting for me to say we only had a short while to flee England or I would greet the gallows at dawn. I regret every day that I never found a way to save you, That I never turned back and took you with us.

Maybe if I you were here this wouldn't be so hard, you always did have a way of making me see the lighter side of a situation when all I could see was darkness. I need that right now my love as I can't see even a speck of light this world has got so dark. 

I am sick of hiding, sick of pretending to be something I am not. That even here on Nassau or amongst my crew where thieves, whores and murderers live freely I would be shunned or killed simply for who I can't help but love. 

Every person that has known about us or me alone has ended up dead, even someone who suspected but never asked died. I think you would have liked him Thomas, you would have found him funny that even though I was his Captain he always saw what was coming before I did and thought everything I did was a terrible idea. It was our friendships downfall in the end I suppose I don't know how he started to suspect. 

You would be so ashamed of me for what I did my love. I regret it almost as much as I regret not saving you. 

God Thomas, I can face down fighting naval ships and other pirates trying for the same prize, I stare death in the face almost every day yet I cannot face my own mind. Even now writing to you is a distraction from being completely alone in my cabin. I fear the times when the lamps have run out of oil and the candles are long since burnt down when I can no longer fight sleep and the world of dreams await. Every night I see your face still as beautiful as the day we first met but then you are locked away in a room and its cold, there is no furniture and you have nothing but a long shirt to fight against the cold. I have to watch people come and go as they beat and abuse you, your beautiful face is covered in bruises and tears but you don't cry out you don't scream or fight. As the dream goes on what these faceless people do gets worse and still you just lay there and suffer. There is nothing I want more then than to reach out and fight them off and hold you and keep you safe but its a dream and you are gone.  
Miranda showed me the letters she received after your death that detailed your injuries and how you would've received them I was prepared to sail straight to England then and there and find every last person that worked there and separate their head from their shoulders. 

I would give up this ship and every coin of wealth I have ever earned and ever will earn just to have you back safe and alive.

I sometimes wonder if it would've been better if I hadn't met you not that I regret it for a second. Its just I wonder if maybe you would've stayed alive and lived to a grand old age with Miranda at your side. But then you would've said it wouldn't have been worth it wouldn't you? You would say that you would take that life all over again for the short time we had together, for that short time of complete happiness where I could hold you in my arms every night and wake to your beautiful blue eyes so full of love and kindness. I miss it. 

Its driving me mad this secret. It feels so dirty. Miranda was right I should be ashamed because if I shouldn't then why must it always be a secret. 

I ashamed of what I am Thomas but I will never be ashamed of you and the love we shared and the love that I will always have for you. 

I love you 

I miss you

James Mcgraw

**Author's Note:**

> So this is tumblrs fault basically. I was browsing and THAT gifset came up (lbr if you are in the TH/JF tag you know what i mean) and it kinda spawned this but then i fell asleep writing so the last bit was written over 5 minute breaks over the course of 2 days.
> 
> It may be a series? i have some ideas for more but im unsure yet so if you would like to see more (i can write slightly better when i get into the flow of things) please leave some comments?


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